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Dispatches fom Strettaland, vol. 4526, "Around and About in Alabama"
I thought I would share with you some highlights from Stretta's recent tour of the great state of Alabama.
Our journey began in Huntsville. We had come down to play a wedding reception in a barn. That's right, a barn. It's not the first time we've played in a barn, either. There were horses, goats, cows, approximately 250 barn cats, and a jackass. No, I don't mean Ray! It was an actual donkey, and of the non-human members of our crowd that night, I think the donkey liked us the best. It was hot that night. At one point, a lady decided that due to the heat, she would just wear her bra. And why not? It's a wedding reception in a barn, after all. Go crazy! Later in the evening, the bride and bridesmaids joined us on stage and engaged in bodily gyrations normally observed on the Discovery Channel or Cinemax's late-night programming. I foresee a back support brace and possibly a chiropractor in the groom's future.
The next day, we traveled to Tuscaloosa for a performance at Paul Bryant Stadium. The load-in was brutal with the Sun baking us and the siroccos searing our skin, but we prevailed. At about an hour before downbeat, Ray Balz suddenly exclaimed, "Oh cwap! I tink dat I fuhgot tuh bring uh shurt foe-er tuhnight, oveh dere!" Raymond placed the chicken-fried poptart that he had been eating on his snare drum and sprinted out of the room. If you can recall the speed at which Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter flew across the surface of the Death Star, you'll be close to the speed that Ray reached driving out of the parking lot. It was just like Beggar's Canyon, back home! Fortunately and not for the first time, Stretta was saved by a close proximity to J.C. Penney's. Ray purchased suitable attire and returned in time to finish his chicken-fried poptart, still waiting on the snare drum, and start the evening's Big Rock Show. We had a guest vocalist that night, and an audience determined to stay at least 150 yards from us at all times. Historically, Stretta has had to keep certain distances from certain individuals due to restraining orders, but this time it was a little different.